Okay, so I don't know who all will see this, but if you do, whoop de doo...

My life has gotten dull and sad lately. I get bored after work because I have nothing to do. I get jealous to see my friends all going out to hang out, and I'm not there to have fun. I've been told since my first best friend by their parents that I shouldn't hang out with them, or they shouldn't with me... Breaks my heart really, to be told that. I always wounder what I do wrong, what happened to cause this... but I never can get a real answer.

It's my senior year, and all I have to look forward to... really nothing. No friends to hang out with after graduation, no close family to laugh with and relate to, boyfriend is in another state, and most of my friends are moving away or under grades and I may never see them again... I randomly fell asleep the other day, no one could wake me till I woke of my own accord and I just didn't care. Depression is coming back I believe, for it comes with boredom and sadness but it may pass. I need to find something to do, but with no one to hang out with, what can I do?

And before anyone goes "just ask and hang out with them!" I grew up taught by my family to NEVER ask to hang out, to be invited. Because I was always asked "were you invited or did you invite yourself?" and I felt scared to see what would happen if I invited myself. I also hear how friends would hate for someone to come over and randomly ask to hang out, and I don't want to be like that. If you don't ask to hang out with me, I will believe you want nothing with me. And upon that, I will not ask to be at your house to hang out.

Another thing is, I'm not really looking forward to College. Scholarships, deadlines, resumes, and all this other shit and test and stuff... I wish it would all go away, I'm not up for this stuff and I don't find it helpfull. But all I'm doing is whining and ranting but I don't care, I think I'd rather anyone who wants to read this know how I bloody damn feel... because I'm already loosing all my friends and have lost some, what's a better way than just accepting it and letting life kick me in the ass for being a bad person in every adults god damn eyes.

Oh, Happy Birthday Melissa, Kelly, Ash Pash, Becca, Tiffany, and Corrisa, also my Cuz and Grandma.